


Icarus in the Snow

by carpedream



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Silly Boys, Snow, Snowball Fight, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:48:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28350408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carpedream/pseuds/carpedream
Summary: Winter descends upon Vermont, and so the poets end up playing in the snow. Todd is in a constant state of gay panic, and thinks that Neil is the sun.
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 6
Kudos: 41





	Icarus in the Snow

The winter had descended upon Vermont like a lion hunting its pray, slow and methodical, until, before there had been enough time to notice, the cat had pounced, and the snow at once buried the blades of dying grass. The cold permeated the air, ghostly whisps of breath flowed from freezing lips. Bodies that once rushed to spend time in the grounds, now crowded the corridors and common rooms of Welton academy. Each day, the line outside the nurse’s room grew, the sound of sniffing noses and harsh coughs one that could not be escaped. During their nights in the cave, the fire the poets attempted to light did little to keep the chill at bay. The boys had to huddle closer and closer together, arms flush next to each other. Todd would never admit it out loud, but he had never felt warmer than he did on those nights, his body dangerously close to Neil’s, their body heat mixing together, the warmth of Neil attaching itself to Todd, and his back, as though they were one. Todd thought he would never be cold if he could live his life forever basking in Neil’s warmth.

One especially cold night, in the early days of December, the poets snuck out once again to the cave. The silver light of the moon guided their journey, their footfalls making soft indents in the snow as they scurried, as subtly as a group of teenage boys could manage, through the frostbitten grounds. That night the chill was all encompassing, the fire did little more than just create light, and even huddling together as close as they could, as close as Todd could manage while still retaining the ability to think, the boys felt the cold right down to their bones. The meeting that night was a short one, the cold making them restless, the poetry not flowing as effortlessly as it normally did, and the intense closeness to Neil was making Todd forget how to breath. As a result of this, and much to everyone’s surprise, it was Todd who cracked and suggested they end the meeting early that night, and instead go out and enjoy the freshly fallen snow. Only Cameron needed convincing, the other boys jumping at the thought of a snowball fight.

The snow on the forest ground was soft and new, the perfect texture for making snowballs. The boys rushed into the snow, like children on Christmas morning, jumping at once into a brutal snow fight. Charlie was the most ruthless, and brave, he feared no one, his aim perfect, his snowy bullets hitting striking his friends, leaving marks of white on their dark cloaks. Todd was strategic and thoughtful, his aim also pretty good, though he purposely missed when it came to Neil, not wanting the boy to get too cold, worried he might get sick. Todd was crouching behind a tree, looking for his next victim, his eyes caught sight of Knox a few metres away bending over to collect snow, and he reached back ready to strike, when suddenly he felt a damp coldness seeping into his hair. He turned around to see Neil, grinning widely.

“Sorry,” Neil breathed, a small smile forming on his lips, “I didn’t see you there”

Todd didn’t reply choosing instead to launch the snowball still held in his hand, right at Neil’s face. The boy stared back at him, covered in snow dust, blinking in surprise. Todd laughed.

“Sorry, I didn’t see you there.” He said, Neil breaking into a huge grin hearing his own words used against him. Despite the cold, Todd could’ve sworn he had melted. 

Todd allowed himself to glance at Neil’s face, his eyes lingering on his flushed cheeks, his dazzling smile. He noticed the snow had clung to his eyelashes, the white shining in the moonlight. If Todd had been born in a different time, back when mortals believed the Gods roamed among them, he would’ve sworn that Neil was not from earth, but Olympus, for even in the dark winter night, he shone brighter than the sun himself. 

Eventually, the boys tired of the snow, dreaming of the warmth of their beds, so they headed back to the school. Todd and Neil walked together, which was natural, as the two boys were roommates after all, lingering behind their other friends. Neil’s scarf was hanging loose around his neck, unravelled by the game they had just played, and as he spoke excitedly about his role as puck, his arms gesturing wildly, it slipped silently off his neck. Neil didn’t notice, and carried on walking, too wrapped up in his own passion to care. Todd did. Todd noticed everything about Neil. He stopped behind and picked up the scarf, carefully dusting off the snow.

“Neil!” He called out, quietly. The other boy turning quickly in response, “I think you dropped something.”

Feeling a sudden burst of courage, perhaps from the lack of sleep, or perhaps driven mad by standing too close to the sun all night, like Icarus, Todd moved closer to Neil. Silently he took the scarf and gently placed it on the boy’s shoulders, tying it around his neck slowly, trying to will his hands to stop trembling. He could feel Neil’s warm breath on his face. His nostrils were filled with the smell of his cologne, a smell he would happily drown in. He could see every detail on Neil’s face, every freckle, every glorious crease and line of his face. He tried so hard not to look, for he knew that Icarus burned when he got too close. He was sure Neil could hear his heart beating loudly in his chest, threatening to burst through his ribcage, and he was sure the boy could see the blush that was strewn across his face. The moment was intimate, soft fingers grazing cold skin, the ghosts of their breath mixing in the air, the danger of the closeness, one move and their bodies would become one. But as soon as it started it was over, the boys parted awkwardly, smiling shyly at each other. Neil stuttered out a thank you, avoiding eye contact, and the walk back to their dorms started up again. They fell back into their rhythm, Neil got caught up in his musings again, and Todd got caught up listening to him. Only the faint blush on their cheeks signalling that the moment had happened at all.

That night, once they were all back safely, in bed, Todd lie awake, staring at his ceiling. He thought longingly about the boy whose breathing he could hear from across the room. He thought about Neil often at night. Once the lights were out and his thoughts felt safe enough to winder, keeping themselves from being seen. Sometimes these thoughts were merely friendly, sometimes even lustful, but most nights they were full of longing. That night, he could not get the moment that had passed between them. What was but seconds, replayed on a loop in his mind, as if the moment was everlasting. Todd was scared. He had been so close, almost too close. He had wanted to go closer, to break the gap and kiss him, and those thoughts, they scared him the most. If Neil was the sun, Todd was Icarus, and if he got too close, he knew everything would burn. He loved Neil. Neil was his best friend, and he wanted Neil, he wanted him, needed him even, like he needed air to breathe. But he couldn’t have Neil, that much he knew. The way he wanted him was outlawed, both by the law of the land and the law of God, and most importantly to Todd, he believed it was outlawed by Neil. That the boy would hate him, and even if his good nature allowed him to pardon Todd for his crimes, things between them would never be the same again. That was a thought Todd could not bear. So, he sat with the longing, he grappled with the desire, and willed himself to not get too close to the sun. As long as he kept Neil in some way, the pain of his desire was worth bearing. Little did he know, Neil was laying in his own bed thinking the same things. Thinking about the boy that was his sun, the shy boy who had stumbled into Welton and stole the air from his lungs. The small space between the two beds, grew larger and larger, morphing into a valley too wide to cross, fabricated by the fear and doubts of two scared boys in love.


End file.
